I’ve had one of these pocket credit card sized tube maps in my wallet for about a year and although I know much of the tube reasonably well it has been INCREDIBLY useful for those times where I just don’t know where the fuck I am.

Mine has been all tatty and broken for ages so when I saw some brand spanking new FREE ones in a pop-up shop on Carnaby street I took about 10 of them. I thought I’d share that information because one day you, like me on many occasions, will just get lost. They’re SO much better than flimsy paper ones that you have to unfold and bury your head inside to read it and they lay in your wallet patiently waiting to be used.

The pop up store is just there for another 6 weeks so get your arse in gear yeah.

I saw this ad in the tube the other day and couldn’t believe the sheer bullshit I was reading…

Since when has a huge mother fucking Yellow Pages given me information right at my fingertips???

It’s MASSIVE, and no-one in their right mind would carry one around with them. Now I could understand if this ad was refferring me to a website or to an iPhone/blackberry app or something, but it doesn’t.

It’s come to my attention that I’ve acquired a small, but rather unsightly belly. This makes me very sad. I think it’s due to working daily and neglecting my very irregular exercise pattern. In order to rectify this issue I’ve invented Commutersize.

So if you’ve got a bit of a belly, or are a fat bastard in general, listen up. This is Comutersize:

Escalators: Walk, don’t stand.

Stairs: Two steps at a time, not one.

Seats: Stay away.

Busses: Top deck (if they have one)

Walking: Keep pace with an overly stressed workaholic businessman.

That’s it. More of a 10 second thought than an invention.

As I write this I’m sitting on a train from Waterloo to my stop, Twickenham. I’ve just come off the tube, for which I have a great dislike, and thought that this rant couldn’t wait until I got home.

Every day there is a mammoth struggle amongst commuters trying to get a seat on the tube or train. It’s like wildebeest trampling all over one another as they fight to cross crocodile infested rivers, except with this example it’s just a bunch of seat thirsty commuters. And this evening is no different, today is the third time this week (It’s only Tuesday) that I have seen commuters refuse to give up their seat for a child or old codger.

This pisses me off. It pisses me off because that old bugger, or child in this evenings case, does not deserve to shit their pants worrying about falling on the floor with the jerking of the train. Most Londoners have spent much of their day sat at a desk, straining only to adjust the brightness on their computer screen, and they are more than fit enough to stand for 3 stops and allow a small child the safety of a seat (apart, of course, from the millions of bacteria it must contain!).

Writing further about this just angers me more and me doing so is unlikely to change a city’s selfishness.

So that’s it. Give up your seat to someone more in need you lazy arse.

Rant, over.

If you are a human you will find it completely impossible to refrain from laughter as you watch this video. Enjoy.

Driver soaks children at Plymouth bus stop (via djwinkon)